Narcissism (self-love)

Posted: July 22, 2014 in girl, Innocence, Life, Love
Tags: , , , ,

 

A chapter from my novel (unpublished)

self-love

Because I never came across any person who could understand the turmoil that was my real tormentor I believe this to be the sole reason for the development of narcissism in me to an extent that I can overlook and underestimate the entire world when I see the world standing against me on a certain points. This unique trait proves beneficial and harmful, beneficial only when one knows how to handle it and harmful because in most of the cases the individual itself is unaware of the presence of such trait and so fails to use it for their own advantage. The person ends up becoming highly arrogant, egoistic and self-centered which society sees in a negative light somehow.

Anyways, this narcissism or self-obsession became a source of joy and happiness for me in my dark days when sun refused to shine on me and moon refused to embellish my nights but still I never complained because to me it was alright, I, in a way, was growing accustomed to it and in some other way was feeling all-the-more depressed as I was desperately waiting and hoping for the end of this dark era which sadly was not visible anywhere near. But to have this kind of unconditional love for myself helped me get up, dress up and make the show go on on occasions when my body used to feel the most lethargic and my heart most shattered and my brain very stressed. I wonder what I would have done had I not had this love which generates will power and a certain amount of ego which is always required to be able to stand still and keep going. When one wants to succeed just to escape failure, the best probably may not come out but when one runs after success like a crazy lover then success, like a sweet lady love, falls in one’s arms and they mingle so as to associate with each other forever.

World admires flowing rivers but we (self-obsessed people) adore a still pond more because we love to see our reflection anywhere and everywhere. So all the water-bodies become our most favorites and the mirror becomes our consort. It becomes really difficult for me to move my eyes away from a mirror which does not mean that I am very gorgeous or beautiful but it only proves that love is blind and it overlooks all the flaws and follies of the beloved which in turn proves the piousness of love which can never be judgmental. But I can’t stop wondering how amazing it would be, to have a lover like me (of course for me) though I m not really interested but I can imagine it would be heavenly and godly and if ever by any chance my destiny becomes so great and bless me this, I swear I will worship the man and become his miss. Immediately I move away from these thoughts because I know I can never be so lucky in this life, but who knows!! I see my eyes and fall prey to them, I see my smile and forget my sorrows completely, I see my vague reflection and feel ecstatic not because I m a rare beauty or a pure pearl, nor am I a queen of hearts not a dream girl only because I m a dreamy girl who has millions of dreams and billions of desires and I believes in myself the most.

This kind of self-confidence and self-acceptance makes a person very liberal in his own way, very dominating, bold and courageous too. I believe we should all love ourselves truly because in times of scarcity we can have abundant love and so will never starve. Be your own lover, be your own critic. Because nobody knows you better, nobody understands you better, only you know what you feel and what you want, how amazing it would be if you also become your own source. And when I m independent I m fearless and bold but where I have to depend on someone it brings along a lot of fear and insecurity and so my heart shrinks and swells, shrinks and swells and heart-throbbing pain dwells.

Fortunate was Narcissus who died while admiring his own reflection and I will count myself lucky if I die in my own arms one day.

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